In the wake of last week's savage pointed-stick attacks, in which as many as seven people were poked or jabbed, the Home Office has declared an absolute ban on possession of pointed sticks. Police have moved quickly to round up stocks of pencils, and schools will be required to switch to wax crayons.
As a first step to control the supply of new pointed sticks, a new national carpenter's license has been announced. It will be illegal to buy lumber without a valid carpenter's license. A Home Office spokesman said the new licenses should be available by late next year, and in the interim, "lumber yards will simply have to close their doors, for the public good." It is expected the required certification course will not cost more than £1200.
In another safety measure, police cordons have been established around most major forests.
"Obviously, these cordons are an interim measure," said Detective Chief Inspector Plod. "We can't keep them up forever, we simply don't have the manpower, especially with the need to police lumber yards. On the other hand, we clearly can't allow miscreants to simply make their own pointed sticks." Mr. Plod declined to discuss longer-term measures, other than to state that contingency plans were being formed to simply burn down all the forests.
Meanwhile, Parliament today discussed the threat of wooden rulers. "A violent criminal with a pencil sharpener blade can turn a twelve-inch ruler into a deadly weapon in fifteen minutes or so," declared Ron Ganser, MP for East Twitsworth. "And the potential consequences should someone sharpen a yardstick are simply too terrible to contemplate. We must act now to safeguard our nation's future."
(c) [presumably] unixronin